My Greatest Fears

My greatest fears
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All of us no matter how big or small have fears. They can be the smallest thing to one person yet to another something so significant. People say to me “Patrick, you are so fearless you must not be afraid of anything.” Actually I am very much so afraid of things. I am open enough with myself and also with you to inform you that I am not perfect nor has my life been clean.
I believe that so many times we try to give this portrayal of perfection, you know always wearing condoms, always getting tested, knowing who you mess around with’s status, having the best relationship and communication, having a 4.0 average, etc. etc. etc. We all know that for the most part that is a crock of bull. No one on this earth is perfect and by constantly walking around acting like our stuff does not stink we should acknowledge our impurities and us it as a building block. Life is like one of those machines in the hospital that shows the heartbeat, constantly going up and down. That is the point of life…. We all go through ups and downs, without it we would be dead.
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So let’s see back in the day I was never perfect about using condoms, I never was properly educated on sexual health, my family is dysfunctional as hell (no picket fences or 7th heaven), I am an emotional eater, I do not see myself as attractive, and that is just scratches on the surface. So what are you impurities that make you human and how can you work to use them to your advantage to better yourself?
My greatest fears…. Well let’s see, the best thing to do is to do this in bullet points
  • I am afraid of the dark
  • I am afraid of the Nesquik bunny
  • I am afraid of any person dressed up as a character or animal (Disney World is a no-go
  • I fear never knowing where I got HIV from or if that person(s) infected others knowing/unknowingly
  • I fear my friends and colleagues having to go though the things I have gone through in the past year
  • I fear by having family that is in shambles and a father that does not truly give me 100 percent that I will be the same to my children and they do the same to their children
  • I will die before seeing my 80th+ birthday
  • Being alone
  • Not leaving a legacy or not touching at least one person’s life
  • I will not live to see a cure or vaccine for HIV
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This list goes on and on but those are my greatest fears. I think in the black and latino community that showing weakness is shown by discussing shortcomings, fears, and defects; however, in all actuality by discussing such personal and difficult things shows strength and bravery. How do we correct this? What are your fears and will you be brave to talk about them?

5 Comments

  1. Calvin C.
    April 15, 2013 at 2:33 am · Reply

    So nice to see an update. Thank you for being so transparent. I love you my friend.

  2. April 19, 2013 at 3:05 am · Reply

    Reblogged this on sebastian and a paint brush and commented:
    I completely agree. Fears comes naturally to all people. What really defines your fear is the level of your strength. Just like what the saying “Face your fears.” says, well, face your fears and as you do that, don’t lose sight of your loving family and close friends surrounding you. Don’t forget to reach out to them.

  3. May 26, 2013 at 12:41 pm · Reply

    Hey Patrick, I’m also HIV-positive and in my late 20s… and afraid too. But we’ll make it. xx

    • May 27, 2013 at 12:24 am · Reply

      Thanks so much for the love. We will it is all about being positive and doing positive things in life!!

  4. Conrad
    June 1, 2013 at 1:08 am · Reply

    Hey Patrick. I stumbled onto your blog by seeing you on The Body. I used to be an HIV counselor but resigned a year or so back. I do miss being a listening ear and learning from so many young black gay men who taught me the power of vulnerability and my own atelophobia–that’s my fear! Not being good enough! You are loved and I don’t even know you! Hear and door always open to you little brother: crpeg@hotmail.com
    Excelsior,
    Conrad

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