I am a firm believer of telling my story from the past before I can talk about where my life is now. If you have not figured out yet by the title of this then let me tell you. I am Patrick Ingram and yes I am HIV Positive. The next few posts will be journal entires I did on paper but best describe how things were a year ago.
December 2, 2011
So I guess I am using this as a way to vent and get all my frustrations and anger out. About the same time last year I was in a relationship with my partner, who was cheating on me with many people (I believe more than five) unprotected. I stayed with him up to a year and a half trying to make the relationship work; however, after him disrespecting my parents and me I left. Fast forward to know where my life was going great. I moved into an awesome apartment building, became independent, found true love, and a great set of friends. Dec. 1 (Thursday) I decided to go get tested. Now don’t get me wrong. I have gone before and tested negative, but something in me was telling me to go. I went and took the test and waited what seemed like the longest 26 minutes of my life. I will never forget moving over one seat to look at the nurse who administered the test (having her hands on her head) talk to another staff member with a look of fear on her face. See I was the first and only one who was there for testing on World Aids Day. Kind of bitter-sweet you know… Well at 12:30 I was given the news… Positive… The first thing I thought about was my partner… the second my mother….
It is two days later and I am very stressed, tired, weak, and just depressed. If it wasn’t for my partner I would not be able to make it. After given the news, I called him got him to go to the doctor and returned to work. I was back at work (distracted as hell) and had to keep the business going due to my superiors being out. I held back tears as my employees (the people who look up to me) came to me for advice and for guidance. I felt strong but so weak. My partner came straight to my office to provide some sort of support, which I will never forget. We both struggled to sleep that night. The following day was the toughest because with so much on my mind I had to lead my team, in which I did. The sick twist in it all… well today I had to attend an event where my ex (who I believe infected me) works. It was the toughest thing I had to do. Arriving into the building I was literally shaking. I had to excuse myself three times to pee nervously and to just look at myself in the mirror to try to motivate myself to stay. I made it… In the past few days I have been strong. I have forced myself to eat, stayed positive, and relied on my good friends (one who is positive and can relate) to be here for me. This has been the toughest three days of my life.
Monday I go to the doctor to be seen by a whole team who will get me on my way. I still think to some extent that this is a dream and either the test is wrong and that I will be negative, or that I will wake up from this. Monday the reality will sit in, I even look at myself in the mirror from head to toe. I have researched and read until I was sick of it. I am just ready for this journey. My biggest fear is losing my partner (I know crazy right). He has been so strong these last couple of days. I have noticed that he has back away. He isn’t holding me, kissing me, looking at me, or acting the same. I know this is an uphill battle; however, I just don’t want to lose the person who helped to turn my life around. I feel like I am in a sequel to the movie Precious. I feel like I am not really getting many W’s (wins) right now in life. I really just wanted to right, one so that anyone who is or has gone through this can relate and maybe help me get through this (due to me not ready to tell people) and two to just get it out there because internalizing is making me more tired and sick. If anyone of you believes in prayer… please pray for me, my family, my friends, and my partner as we go through a huge change.